It’s been a while! And it’s certainly been a weird road to where I am now (which is, by the way, New York City). The last time I wrote a real blog post (so like, not about work), was my post about The Divine Bunny Trail, about 13 months ago. A lot has happened in the last year; some of it was great and some of it was hot hot garbage. A lot of it was of my own doing. A lot of it was just… how the cookie of my life crumbled. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a really, truly #blessed life, but in the context of that gilded existence, the last year was dark. Which made me preaching about The Divine Bunny Trail a little sad, since the feelings I was having when I wrote that blog post were decidedly unavailable to me for so long.
I’m happy to report that I have since righted my ship. I’m living in New York, I am gainfully employed, and living out a less couture, more self-deprecated Carrie Bradshaw existence in the West Village. I am getting my heart broken, my hopes up, and figuring it out. Just how I wanted to.
I’ve had a draft sitting in my email inbox for over 6 months now — a draft of an Instagram caption that I so badly wanted to be able to publish… but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready because it wasn’t all the way true yet. It’s only in the past few months that I feel like these words, at the time hopeful and aspirational, are finally true. Here it is:
“This one goes out to all my haters — jk, I don’t think I have many haters. But I do know of one, and this one goes out to her: myself. I spent the last 6 months hating so much about myself. I I hated myself for feeling like a quitter. I hated that I started big projects and companies, only to let my passion fizzle out and walk/run away from them. I hated that my freelance dreams didn’t come true. I hated myself for hurting someone I loved for over a decade. I hated my body (and hated myself even more for giving up so many times, saying fuck it and baking a big plate of cookies). I hated myself for not wanting to leave the house. I hated myself for not being able to find a job that I loved and/or loved me back. I hated myself for being snappy with my parents and making friend time all about me me me and my problems. Most of all, I hated that I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t like the Cheyenne I had become. But I guess that’s the crux of the biscuit: alllll that ^^ was me (and still is part of me), and it all adds up to who I am today, tomorrow and forever on and on.
It had to happen, I’m glad it did, but I’m also happy to report that I’m finally done with all that. Done with all the self doubt and hatred that stopped me from being and loving ME. No matter which iteration of myself I was on.
The point of this post isn’t just to celebrate my return to your regularly scheduled Cheyenne-ness, it’s also to give anyone else who feels like they’re going through a dark patch some hope. It’s cliche, but it’s called going through it because there WILL be another side to it all. You’ll emerge stronger and wiser and more accepting of yourself. It can feel incredibly stagnant, but be patient with yourself, and love yourself — whichever version you are at present. Just know that it might not feel like you’re making moves and evolving, but you most certainly are.”
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Wow, reading stuff you wrote at a very different time in your life is weird! And it’s crazy and so exciting that life can really change (for the way better) in mere months. But more on that later.
xx
cheyenne